This story is about Maggie and Scully coping with grief, its aftereffects, and love. Many very kind people have given me support and direction in this, my second story. Thank you all! Please let me know what you think. Above All Else by Pamela Olumoya She wanted to stay here. The home she had lived in for 20 of their 32 year marriage was the home she wanted to live in forever. It was a Georgian style house with two white pillars in front that supported the very small, but usable balcony. Maggie stood, arms folded, in the upstairs hallway looking through the glass balcony doors. The snow had started and she usually enjoyed watching as their two acres of land were slowly painted white. Not tonight. The forecast had called for fewer than four inches, but it seemed to be more than that already. It was almost dark. She worried if Dana would make it safely. Charles, her younger son, had come to live with her after her husband's death. The house was too big, she was too alone, and the rent was the right price he had said. He was the one who had begun hinting that she should sell the house. His intentions were good, she knew, but he could never understand what moving would represent. Hadn't she lost enough already? Bill's death had been so sudden and less than two years later she had to endure a second unexpected death, the murder of her older daughter. A weaker woman would have not been able to handle it, all of her friends had said, and her priest told her that her faith was serving her well. But, no one really knew her anguish. Least of all Charles who was 28 and busy living his own life. Maybe she should get dinner started? Maybe they should order out? Maybe they should go out? Maggie, now in the foyer downstairs, peered through the glass panes near the side of the door to see if Dana was coming. Dana will decide. God knows that making a decision now days was a bit of a challenge for Maggie. Some days she'd lie in bed for hours deciding when or if she should bother to get up. She paused to look at the carefully arranged pictures on the round, cloth-covered table to the right of the door. At the center was a picture of Bill and herself on their wedding day. Surrounding it were various photos including a family photo taken five years ago, Melissa alone, Dana graduating from medical school, the girls, the boys, Bill Jr. and his family, and her grandchildren. Maggie casually outlined each frame as her mind focused on these happy memories. Looking into the mirror that hung above the table, Maggie saw the remnants of an attractive woman of 59. Drawing her hands to her face, she examined the additional gray in her hair and the lines around her eyes and mouth that seemed to have deepened in the past months. No matter which angle she considered, the change was evident. Oh well, she thought. It really didn't matter. "Mom, I'm home!" Dana announced, swinging open the door and stamping her snow-wet feet on the indoor mat. Just the sound of Dana's voice was enough to make Maggie smile. She was so happy to see her. She looked at Scully and saw this mature, competent woman and she wondered for a moment where had the time flown? Dana was actually drop dead gorgeous she thought, recalling a phrase from her youth. When did that happen? Hugging her, then stepping back to look again Maggie said, "You look great! Red definitely works for you, Dana. Once again you defy tradition. To tell the truth, I always wondered about those brown suits you seem to like so much." "I know. A little drab, but business-like. You know what it's like out there, Mom," Scully said setting her bag down. "I work for an agency that up until a few years ago employed men at ratio of 4 to 1. Sexist attitudes abound. What's a woman supposed to do?" she shrugged. "The best she can, I suppose. So, red is just a change of pace for the moment? Is that it?" "Yeah, I think I was starting to feel a bit drab like those suits. Let me look at you. How are *you* doing? You look just a little tired." "Oh, come now," Maggie protested, "Why would I be tired? I'm fine. You're here now so I couldn't be finer. How are things at work? How's Mulder?" "Mulder's fine. Work is keeping me so busy, but being busy is a good thing for now. Where's Charlie?" Scully asked, always enjoying this version of her younger brother's name. "Charles is away skiing this weekend with Carla," Maggie frowned as she checked her memory for accuracy, "or is it Deidre? I can't keep track," she admitted. "Anyway, it's just us girls". "Sounds good to me. There were a couple of things I wanted to talk to you about." I hope Charles hasn't sent you here to talk me into moving, Maggie almost said. But, "OK. Let's talk as we get dinner ready," is what came out instead. Any confrontation could wait. "I don't think we should get out in this weather unless you just want to, she continued. I've got this chicken garlic recipe I've been wanting to try, if we wanted to stay here, that is." "Are you kidding? I eat out more than I want to think about," Scully said as she hung up her coat. "Besides, I'm home now. I don't want to be anywhere else. Let me take these things up, and I'll be right down." Scully, bag in hand, walked slowly up the stairs. At the top to the left was Melissa's room. She would have to walk past it to get to hers. She tried to do just that, but could get no farther than Melissa's doorway where she stood for a moment before she felt compelled to go in. Her sister's old room was an egg nog yellow with white accents. Even in the evening dusk, it was very clean, very ethereal somehow. Scully had been sitting on Melissa's bed for about five minutes before she even noticed the boxes stacked near the foot of the bed. She sank to the floor to go through their contents. Predictably, the boxes contained Melissa's things from her apartment; some clothing, jewelry. candle holders, pictures, and several crystals. Scully, holding one of Melissa's most cherished crystals, had not heard Maggie come up the stairs. She startled at the sound of her voice. "After we closed her apartment, I didn't want to get rid of everything, although we did give most things away. I didn't know....maybe there was something of Melissa's you would want?" Scully could only nod tacitly, her shoulder length red hair swaying with each motion. The pain that caused tears to flow quietly and steadily down her face as she had looked through Melissa's things, soon gave way to complete grief which allowed her to cry like she had done when she was five years old--with everything she had. "Mom," she sobbed, "I thought when we finally caught the bastard that shot her, it would get better. It hasn't gotten better. I don't think it ever will." Maggie, having no words to soothe her daughter, pulled her close, and rocked her as her own tears silently fell. ********************** Later, Scully joined her mother in the kitchen. "There you are. Are you feeling better, now?" Maggie asked as she handed Scully a glass of wine. "I am. Thank you. The shower helped, Scully said. Let's see," she said, reading the recipe. "Whoa! Six cloves of garlic?? More vampire sitings?" Maggie laughed at the old family joke. "Your father would have loved this, wouldn't he? Nothing could ever have too much garlic as far as he was concerned." Glad to have something to smile about, Scully moved on to the business of cooking, "Are you up for pounding or do you prefer mincing?" "I've decided a little pounding might just do the trick." Scully looked at her mother with surprise--was she making a sexual reference? No, not *her* mother. She decided she must be projecting her own thoughts. She turned away to hide her broadening smile and took another swallow of wine. "Ok...it says..mince half the garlic and reserve. Pound the chicken breasts with 2 teaspoons of olive oil and season with pepper. Did you get the rice started?" They busied themselves for several minutes finding and measuring the necessary ingredients as they chatted about things in general. Then Scully, wanting to leave well enough alone, but giving in to that nagging feeling that something had been left unsaid, commented, "I know how hard it has been, Mom. I know how alone you must feel. I really understand." Maggie's furled brow registered doubt. "Do you? I mean I know you have lost just as much as I have, but Dana--" "It's not the same, it's not exactly the same. You're right." Scully interrupted. "Losing your life companion and then a child is unfathomable. Every single night before I sleep I think of them. I lie there and I feel Dad's love and I ask Melissa's forgiveness. If only she hadn't been in my apartment..." "No, no we are not going to cry again." Maggie declared, shaking her head and throwing up her hands to ward off any more sad words. "That part of the evening is over." To better make her point she put both hands on Scully's shoulders and waited for her daughter to look directly at her before she spoke, "Honey, just know that I have never blamed you for one second, and I swear to God, I never will. Now, come on. Let's eat. Help me set the table." Needing to find a lighter subject, Maggie said, "Dana, take a look outside. Our "less than four inches" is slightly less than two feet!" "Why do I get the feeling that there is chaos all over the Baltimore metropolitan area as we speak? At least we don't have to worry about going out for awhile," Scully replied as she lit the candles. "Yes, and Charles brought in plenty of firewood before he left, so we are nicely set for some cozy winter evenings." Maggie added. "I'm looking forward to them. Here's to you and this fragrantly tasty meal." They clicked glasses, said grace, and began their meal. ********************** "What did you want to talk about, Dana?" Maggie asked, feeling strong enough to settle a few things. Dana, gathering her thoughts, took another bite and decided their fare was indeed tasty. It was not easy for a private, self-sufficient person like herself to reach out. It wasn't that she and Maggie were not close in their own way, and they certainly loved each other. But, unfortunately, there had been no precedence in their relationship to help prepare her to discuss something this personal. She reached for her third glass of wine and decided to jump right in. Nervously she began, "I need to talk about Mulder and me. Mulder and me, sounds like a sitcom. doesn't it?" Scully tittered, never looking up from the wine she slowly swirled. Taking a deep breath she went on, "I love him and I don't know what to do." There, she'd said it. She looked up and met her mother's gaze. She needed to gauge her mother's reaction as much as she needed to face the truth of her spoken words. "Pour me another glass of that please," Maggie said indicating the wine. "I always did have to brace myself when I asked you a direct question. I'm out of practice, and I'll admit that's not what I expected." Without warning, a grin began to spread from ear to ear. "You're in love, Dana!" her voice reflecting the wonder of it all. Scully grinned back and suddenly could not keep her head from bobbing up in down in joyous acknowledgement. "I'm in love! Ahhh! What am I going to do?!!" "That feeling. It's an amazing feeling, isn't it? Maggie asked, filtering through her stored emotions, hoping, if only fleetingly, to rediscover her feeling for Bill when their love was brand new. "It *is* amazing! I live in a constant state of amazement! So much of it is new to me! Maybe that is why I'm at a loss. I can't think straight." "I know. It's wonderful! Maggie was delighted and sympathetic, not to mentioned thrilled that someone was actually expecting something from her. That hadn't happened in a while. Thoughtfully, she took a sip from her refilled glass and then remarked, "Well, I knew there was an astoundingly deep friendship between you two, but I didn't sense the romance. How does he feel about you?" "He loves me, I am sure of that. I just don't know if it is the kind of love that leads to a complete commitment." "Marriage?" Maggie wondered hopefully. She knew a career was a great thing to have, but there was nothing more important than having a family. "Yes, I'm tired of coming home to just Yappi. I'm feeling like I think you're feeling, Mom. I have lost so much that I've lost my bearings. I need someone to hold on to. Someone to tell me oh.. I don't know... that my beauty could make hearts stand still. Someone to make love with. Someone who I can actually discuss the latest developments in molecular biology." "You mean how the latest developments in molecular biology explain the latest mutant," Maggie said, joking about Mulder's penchant for the "unusual". "Seriously Dana, you have to be careful. You are very vulnerable right now. I hate to say it but almost anybody could be the "somebody". Are you sure Mulder isn't just convenient? After three years of seeing him practically everyday, why now? "Mulder lives here," Scully said, tapping her heart. "I know he will always be a part of me. I knew that right away and the feeling only grows." Something else occurred to her. "I know it's not like you to act impulsively, but Dana, be sure this isn't a restless phase you're going through. That this "need" isn't something that can be alleviated by taking a few advanced courses or a trip to Spain perhaps. Coming with your heart out-stretched ready to take what you need to fill those empty places makes me wonder what you'd be able to give back. When you know and when you're sure, talk to Mulder. Tell him how you feel." "I'm pretty sure I won't have a problem giving back." In fact, the idea inspired all sorts of pleasurable thoughts. "I've been thinking it was a passing phase for about a year now. I've come to the conclusion it isn't. But Mom, what if he doesn't love me that way? Will I merely be mortified or will I have crossed a line that will change our relationship forever!" "I wouldn't worry" Maggie said, taking Scully's hand across the table. "The thing about Mulder is that he accepts everything about you. When you tell him this, it will become one more facet of you. Your shared friendship is a rarity in and of itself, you know. Many people never have that much. You live in his heart too. I am sure of this from the time we spent together when you were in the hospital." "Isn't acceptance the most anyone can really ask for? Just to be taken as I am with no apologies or excuses rendered? Scully inquired. Maggie responded, "It would be nice if it was, but when is anything in life ever that simple? Think about this a little longer then talk to him." "What should I say?" "Dana, sweetheart, you'll know what to say." Maggie assured her. Smiling, Scully said, "Yes, I think I will know. Thanks, Mom." There was a gentle silence for a minute as both continued to hold hands and absorb all that had transpired. Then Scully asked, "Who do you talk when you need to think things through? I know Charlie is practically never home. Do you still see the Fleckers?" "No, Penny and Manny have been traveling a lot lately. Anyway, we generally got together for couples outings," Maggie said, fidgeting with her fork, trying to fight her feelings of defensiveness. "Oh. Well, what about your work at the high school? Are you still volunteering?" "I --no. I kind of got out of the habit of going." Maggie stated. "That's too bad. I'm sure they miss you. So who do you talk to? Who do you hang out with?" "I am talking to *you* and *hanging out* with you, Dana. I feel energized now that you are here. Don't be solicitous." Maggie stood and began clearing the table, hoping to signal an end to this topic. It didn't work. Scully stood too and began to help. "I *am* worried, Mom." "What has Charles told you?" Maggie sighed, deciding there was no escape. "Just that you have seemed a little out of it lately. Actually, he said you have been sleeping a lot more than usual and that you have turned down every social opportunity that has come along in the past two months. He thinks a smaller, more intimate community might be better--a change of scenery and all." "No! That is out of the question! I am *not* selling our home!" Maggie informed her definitively and rather loudly. "I told Charlie that. I also told him that I would try to convince you to talk to someone...a doctor. "You think I need a psychiatrist?" Maggie asked, valiantly maintaining her composure as she took care of the leftovers. It was unsettling, to say the least, to find out your family had concerns about your mental health. She didn't know whether to feel angry, hurt, embarrassed, or grateful. "A psychotherapist. Her name is Dr. Bivens. She's wonderful. She taught at Maryland when I was there and she moved her practice here a few years ago. Please think about it." Maggie handed Scully the container of chicken and walked out of the kitchen. Feeling and thinking about nothing was much less confusing. Scully put the chicken in the refrigerator and sighed. She folded her arms and stared through the window at the snowfall for several minutes as she considered what to do. Her mother's quiet exits were legendary. They meant she was upset and that it was probably in everyone's best interest if they left her alone. Normally Scully would have done that, but something about this particular night would not let her. Maybe it was the fact that tonight they had talked about things of substance instead of the usual mother/daughter fluff. Maybe it was the cleansing nature of the snow; it represented a chance to start again. Maybe it was the wine. Whatever it was, she couldn't let it drop. Scully entered the family room, sat on the hearth and watched her mother tend the fire for a few moments. She hadn't planned exactly what to say, but somehow her words flowed. "Mom, I'm not going to let you hide away in this big old house and let life pass you by. I'm having the best evening I've had in ages, and I want to know that I'll have many more. Maggie did not look at her. Not sure what, if any impact she was having, Scully continued, "It's important to me that you take very good care of yourself. It's selfish of me, I know, but no more changes, please. I honestly don't think I could handle anything else bad happening to this family. I need you to be the person you have always been, the person you are tonight. The loving, generous, funny, woman you are." Still there was no response, no eye contact. Almost ready to give up, but not quite Scully said, "Mom, Mom let's do this: I'll talk to Mulder. You talk to Dr. Bivens. Say yes, Mom. What could it hurt?" Calmly, Maggie returned the poker to its stand, turned to Scully and said, "How about I talk to Mulder and you talk to Dr. Bivens? Something tells me Mulder could handle a relationship with an older woman." Scully's eyes widened briefly until she sensed that the tension had been dissipated by her mother's playful wit--which was also legendary. "Mom!" she said, "That's it! Two glasses of wine is your limit!" They held each other a second time, but this time they laughed. In that moment, above all else, it felt wonderful to be alive and to be able to give and receive love. She could not wait to talk to Mulder! The End