Title: "The Dating Game"
Author: Angela W.
Category: Alternate Universe/Humor
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Langley gets dating advice from his friends. Told in First Person, 
Langley's POV.
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. They are the property of 
Chris Carter and 1013 Productions.
Notes: This is part of a loosely interwoven series of AU fanfics I 
occasionally write (sometimes with help from Audrey_Jay, although I did this 
one by myself) where the X-Files were closed permanently after the events of 
season one and thus nothing bad (death, alien abduction, infertility, etc.) 
that happened to anyone after that point has occurred. Although Mulder is 
married to Scully in this, it's not part of my regular "married" series (the 
ones where they got married in Las Vegas).
Feedback: If you have compliments or constructive criticism -- or if you're 
just confused as heck and need me to explain something about this universe 
to you -- feedback is welcome.


***

I've just been dumped for the umpteenth time and Frohike, in his
wisdom, has decided that the way to make me feel better is to spend
some time drinking with our friends; all of whom, except for the two
of us, are happily married. So various journalists and G-Men have been
arriving at our place all evening, bearing booze.

By the time I'm on my fourth beer, I've mellowed to the point where I
actually begin to think this wasn't such a bad idea, after all.

"Why do I always get dumped? I mean, always??" I ask. "Look, I realize
I'm not God's gift to women, but Esther seemed perfect for me; we
shared the same cyberpunk sensibilities. I've got my good points.
Isn't there one woman in the whole friggin' galaxy who's willing to
believe that?" After all, every one of the other men here have managed
to snag women interested in sharing their lives. Even Frohike was
engaged once, long ago. His fiancee died before they could make it to
the altar, which is certainly sad, but at least he has the bittersweet
satisfaction of knowing that a woman *wanted* to spend her life with
him.

"Everybody gets dumped at some point, Langley," Mulder says.

"I never did," Jimmy replies.

"Shut up, Jimmy," I answer. "Given your physical and financial
attributes, I'm sure the only problem you ever had with women was
keeping them off of you."

"Yeah, but that's the great thing about being married. Yves keeps
other women off me now," Jimmy says. I shoot him a glance to see if
he's making me fun of me, but he doesn't seem to be. From Jimmy's
point-of-view, a wife who can kickbox the competition is probably a
valuable asset.

"But how do the rest of you do it? I don't mean you, Jimmy! And I
don't mean you two, either," I say, turning to glare at Mulder and
Doggett. "Your wives were your partners before they married you and,
anyway, you guys look like movie stars."

"Scully and I didn't start dating until after we'd been taken off the
X-Files and weren't partners any more," Mulder says. He *always* says
that whenever somebody tries to make a connection between his
partnership with Dana Scully and their subsequent marriage. Doggett
always stares at the ceiling during this exchange, which I take as a
tacit admission that he and Monica were bonking each other's brains
out during their partnership days, in defiance of FBI rules and
regulations.

"I mean you and you and most especially *you*," I say, staring, in
turn, at Skinner, Byers and Pendrell. "Let's face it, Skinner, you
look like Mel Cooley; yet you're married to a beautiful woman who's
practically young enough to be your daughter."

"As Kimberly has pointed out, I only look like Mel Cooley from the
neck up,"  Skinner replies. "But I'd think the fact that I was over 40
when I found true love would be an inspiration to you. Some of us just
take longer than others."

"You were married before, though, weren't you?"

"Briefly; for a couple of years in my mid-20s. You think being dumped
by a girlfriend is bad, try being dumped by a wife."

"So how'd you get Kimberly interested in you?"

"She was my secretary," Skinner says with a shrug, as if that explains
everything.

"I think I see a pattern emerging here, old buddy," Frohike says. "Our
lack of luck in our love life seems to be tied to our lack of female
employees on the staff of the Lone Gunman."

"Yves is a female and she works for us sometimes," Jimmy volunteers.

"She's already married to you," Frohike points out.

"Suzanne doesn't work for us. How'd you manage to get married?" I ask
Byers.

"College sweethearts; we got married the week after we graduated," he
explains.

"Yeah, but how did you manage to convince her to marry you?"

"While everybody else on campus was out smoking pot and getting laid,
Suzanne and I were off chasing down conspiracy theories. When it got
to the point where we were the only two virgins left on campus, we
decided it would be easier just to get married to each other than to
try to explain our embarrassing lack of experience to anybody else,"
Byers replies.

I chuckle at that. Then I turn to stare at the remaining member of the
group. "Okay, how about you, Pendrell? You're a bigger geek than I am,
but Missy is really pretty and sweet and everything."

Pendrell shrugs. "Look, Langley, I'm as amazed by it as you are. I've
got no idea how I ended up with a babe like Missy."

"You must have said *something* to her!"

"I said a lot of things to her. Take your pick of: 'Hi, I work with
your sister and brother-in-law, will you go to dinner with me on
Friday?' or 'I love you' or 'Will you marry me?' or 'Yes, we can have
five children and no, you don't have to work outside the home if you
don't want to'."

"You want to run that last option by me again?" I ask, thinking I must
have misheard. Families the size of the one he's talking about went
out with the Eisenhower Administration. He and Missy currently have
two little girls, Kathleen and Cecelia, both under the age of three. I
wouldn't be totally surprised if he'd told me they were considering
adding *one* more child to their family, but does he seriously mean
they haven't even reached their halfway point yet?

"Missy wants a big family. She also likes being a stay-at-home mother.  
Apparently a lot of men balked at the idea of being the sole support
of a family of seven."

"You don't mind?"

"Missy was a cheerleader in high school," Pendrell explains. "She
wants to have my babies. You think I'm going to quibble about how
*many* babies we have? Or whether or not she contributes financially?"

"What does her being a cheerleader in high school have to do with
anything?"  Skinner asks.

"I understood that part," I reply. Back in high school, cheerleaders
wouldn't even give the time of day to guys like me and Pendrell. If I
had a former cheerlearder in my bed, begging me to keep her
more-or-less constantly pregnant, I suppose I wouldn't balk at the
idea, either.  "Although I think, generally speaking, I must have less
understanding of women than any man in the entire world."

"Nah, that honor goes to Folmer," Doggett says.

"You mean Assistant Director Brad Folmer?" Skinner asks.

"Yeah," Doggett agrees. "He was Monica's boyfriend when they were
going through the Academy. He consistently displays the least
understanding of women of any man on the planet."

"What does he do?" I ask.

"Well, he seems to think the way to make Monica regret that she
married me instead of him is to show how big of an asshole he can be.
Instead, any time either of us have an encounter with him she ends up
being pathetically grateful to have me for her husband. Last week we
had a meeting with him and we'd been having an argument on the way
into work; when we entered the room, she was royally pissed at me.
Anyway, we get into the meeting and he spends the whole time putting
me down in front of about a dozen other agents. After about 45
minutes, I get this note from Monica."

"Pornographic suggestions?" Frohike asks, sounding just a little too
eager.

"Nah, it was more like an eighth-grader wrote it. She wrote that she
loved me and I was the most wonderful guy in the world and drew hearts
and flowers and all kinds of crap all over it. Of course it made me
grin, and I look over and she kind of *waves* at me, so we've got this
whole junior high flirtation type thing going on and Folmer finally
shuts up and walks out like he's scored some points. I mean, the man
is an *idiot*. If he'd ignored me, she would have still been pissed at
me, but instead she was so glad not to be married to him that I get
the girly note."

"Can I ask you guys a really adolescent-sounding question?" I inquire.

"Since I don't see how it could possibly differ from the kind of
questions and comments you usually make, go ahead," Byers says.

"When you're married, do you get to have sex whenever you want? I mean
do you just ask and then you get? Or are there all kinds of conditions
and stuff attached or do you still risk getting shot down even by your
wives?"

There's complete silence for a long moment, then Mulder clears his
throat and says, "Not every single time, but almost always. Sometimes
Dana will tell me she's too tired or just not interested, but that
doesn't happen often."

"You have to use a little common sense," Skinner explains. "I mean, if
your wife meets you at the door and tells you she's been throwing up
all afternoon, that she thinks she's coming down with a virus,
naturally, under those circumstances, you don't even ask to have sex
that evening. You try to take care of her, take care of the baby, see
that she gets some rest. .  .that sort of stuff."

"A lot of times you don't even have to put it into words," Byers adds.
"I mean, when you're married your wife is. . .well, she's *there*. She
sleep in the same bed with you, you share a bathroom with her. .
.stuff tends to happen."

"Also, most wives like a lot of non-sexual cuddling and touching,"
Pendrell adds. "Missy doesn't tell me no often, but if I came home
from work and spent the whole evening with my nose buried in a book or
on the internet, then pounced on her at bedtime. . .I'm sure she'd
have no problem refusing to make love with me under those
circumstances."

"You don't mind all that. . . .snuggling and stuff?" I ask.

Pendrell chuckles. "I know that men are only supposed to be interested
in the main event -- well, that and a certain slurpy sideshow -- but I
*like* having Missy climbing all over me and kissing me all evening."

"Maybe that's my problem," I admit. "Unless it's going somewhere, I
don't see any point in touching a woman."

"Just means you've been dating the wrong women, buddy," Mulder says.
"You remember Diane Fowley?"

"Unfortunantly, yes," I reply with a shudder. The woman was the
biggest bitch I've ever met. . .and she wasn't even particularly
attractive. What Mulder ever say in her, I never knew.

"Well, she used to complain about that constantly; that I never
touched her unless I wanted sex. And she had a point. Truthfully, that
was the only kind of contact I wanted with her. With Dana,
*everything* is good; holding hands, kissing, having her sit on my lap
while I'm watching TV."

"Isn't that a pain, to have somebody demanding your attention when
you're trying to watch the tube?"

"She's not demanding attention -- well, not usually -- she's just
sitting there," Mulder explains.

"Yves does that," Jimmy says. "I like to lay on the couch and watch
football on Sunday afternoons and she likes to lay on top of me. First
time she did I thought she was trying to get me to turn off the TV so
we could mess around -- which I would have done -- but she said it was
fine for me to watch the game, that she just wanted to be by me."

"So. . .other than 'find a woman who you're so crazy about that you
enjoy having her climb all over you' do you guys have any other
advice?"

"Go for the woman you want, rather than settling for one you think you
can have," Pendrell volunteers.

"Huh?"

"I would have never thought I could get a gorgeous, vivacious woman
like Missy to notice me, considering the fact that I am -- as you so
kindly pointed out earlier this evening -- a bigger geek than you are.
But I saw her and I wanted her so bad that it was worth risking abject
public humiliation in order to try to get her. And. . .I did. Don't
ask how or why, because I'm still not sure. God loves me, I guess."

"He's right," Jimmy agrees. "Yves is at least ten times smarter than I
am.  And during the first few months I knew her, she pointed that out.  
Frequently. But I was so crazy about her that I kept pursuing her."

"And, just as you kindly pointed out that Pendrell is a geek, you were
polite enough to remind me that I'm practically old enough to be
Kimberly's father," Skinner adds dryly. "So, for a long time, I kept
my distance from her; I figured she'd prefer some young stud of a
special agent rather than a balding, bespectacled middle-aged
assistant director. But you get to a point where you have to at least
make an attempt to win the woman you're in love with."

"I was crazy about Suzanne from the first moment we met during our
freshman year in college," Byers says. "But she never indicated she
wanted anything more than friendship from me and for nearly three
years I was so scared of losing her friendship that I never made a
move to become more than that.  Then one night I just sort of. .
.snapped. I got to the point where I couldn't spend one more evening
with her and *not* touch her."

"Same with me and Scully. She was my partner, you know, and I was
trying to respect that boundary, keep our relationship on a
professional level.  Eventually I had to make a move, even if it was
going to bruise my ego *and* cost me the best partner I'd ever had."

Doggett gives a smile. "I remember the night I asked Monica who she
wanted:  me or Folmer. I was scared to death she was going to say
Folmer. She just rolled her eyes, asked if I was out of my mind and
said that of course she wanted me. Like I was an idiot even for
asking."

I nod. I guess the path to true love ain't easy for anyone.


Author's e-mail addy: tapw63@hotmail.com