May 30, 2004 Title: Requiem Quintet Author: ML Email: msnsc21@aol.com Spoilers: Requiem, definitely; other noted at the beginning of each story. Rating: PG 13 overall Classification: V, A Summary: A series of stories post Mulder's abduction, from different POVs. Disclaimer: none of the characters described herein belong to me, unhappily. They are the sole property of Chris Carter, the Fox Network, and the actors who portrayed them so well. ===== Author's Notes: I watched XF from the beginning, but came late to the fanfic habit. I started reading it somewhere around S6 and wrote my first *completed* story after the S7 finale aired. "Requiem" inspired a lot of people to write, many for the first time. I was totally unfamiliar with the whole "post-ep" phenomenon. My first story came out about a month after the finale aired and was promptly lost in the deluge of post-Requiem fics, perhaps deservedly. Undaunted, I wrote three more -- it didn't take much feedback to encourage me ! Four years later, I'm still at it. I've been lucky to sometimes write a story that's been well-received, and I'm grateful to all who have read and commented on any of my stories. I'm also grateful to those archivists who have given my stories homes, or taken the time to rec a story. Circe Invidiosa has very kindly provided a home for my stories in the past year or so, and since I recently lost the site that housed my earlier stories, she has offered to give the older ones a home as well. Because of that, I've re-engineered the first stories I wrote to comprise a short series, and added one new story, exclusive to Circe's site. The first three and the fifth story were written in the summer of 2000, the fourth story here, "Family Secrets," is brand new. Thanks to all who have and are reading my stories, and long may you continue! ==== I: You Come and Go Again Author: ML Email: msnsc21@aol.com Spoilers: Requiem, definitely; also One Breath, Closure. Nothing else overt. Rating: PG 13 Summary: Scully is thinking about someone. She has taken to bringing an extra pillow to bed with her, something to hold onto in the night. It isn't the same, of course--a very poor substitute for Mulder. But in the short time they'd been together, she'd grown used to putting her arms around him when she woke up in the night. Even if he spooned up behind her, she had his arms to cling to, warm and comforting. She keeps one of his tee shirts under her pillow so she can keep his scent in her nostrils as long as possible. But nothing can take the place of his warm breath on her neck, the gentle sensation of his chest rising and falling against her back as he slept. And nothing can take the place of his mouth on hers, the feel of his lips everywhere, the weight of his body. These are the thoughts and sensations she lives and re- lives every night. She hugs the pillow fiercely to her and thinks of their shared life growing within her. She'd never asked him about the time she was missing. How did he get through it? Her mother told her he'd never given up the idea that she would return. Even when she was returned in a coma, he fought for her. She can do no less for him. x-x-x-x Skinner takes the earliest opportunity to talk to her officially. She's summoned to his office the first morning she's back at work. "Agent Scully, in light of recent events I think there are some decisions to be made." As is his custom when speaking in his office, AD Skinner is somewhat oblique and over- formal. She supposes it comes from the awareness that any conversation here could be monitored. Even with Cancer Man dead--presumably, anyway--Krycheck and Covarrubias are still active, and worse yet, are loose cannons. Who can tell what agenda either of them will serve now? In any case, she's ready for this opening gambit. "With all due respect, Sir, I don't yet want to make any changes. While it's true that Agent Mulder is missing, he could still return at any time." "That may be, but I think we need to consider the possibility that it might be some time, if ever--" "I can't afford to think that way, Sir." She stiffens her spine even more as she speaks. She cannot doubt. She adds, almost as an afterthought, "I came back." Skinner's eyes cloud at the memory. She can't remember him ever being so emotional. His demeanor at her bedside when he had to tell her he had lost Mulder shook her to the core. "I want you to think of the future, Agent Scully," he says pointedly. "There will come a time when changes will need to be made, whether or not Agent Mulder has returned...yet." She's glad he added the "yet." She *will* make him believe. "I want to go on as usual for now, Sir. I'll think about the future and what needs to be done." "If you think you'd be more comfortable in another assignment, I can arrange that," he offers. "In the future. Perhaps in a field office, in an ASAC position?" The implication is that the position will be somewhere out of DC. Away from prying eyes, once she begins to show ... but also away from the X Files and any chance she has of finding Mulder. She raises her chin. "I've got nothing to hide." She says it slowly and distinctly. "Not now, and not in the future." "Agent Scully, I need to remind you that I have to consider not only what's best for you, but what's best for the Bureau." "Moving me to Salt Lake City won't stop the rumors," she points out. "It might even make them worse. "Remember, Sir, there have been rumors ever since I joined the X Files. Even before. People will believe what they want to believe. And what they say, or think, has nothing to do with us. It can't touch us." She rises and leans forward over his desk. "But if you can't support me and my decision, it *does* affect us. It has always affected us." x-x-x-x Later, back in the basement office, she finds herself staring at Mulder's poster again. "Mulder, why did you have to go?" she whispers. The strength she displayed in Skinner's office is ebbing away again, leaving her feeling exhausted and very vulnerable. Perhaps he felt free to go. Once he'd discovered what happened to Samantha, he'd been more settled than he'd ever been. She remembers what he said the night they discovered what had happened to his sister. He'd felt free to take those tentative steps toward her which eventually led to the deepening of their relationship. But it also freed him in other ways. It hadn't kept him from leaving her behind to pursue his own ends. What was this but another repeat in the pattern, the biggest ditch of all? Or did he think by leaving, he set her free to lead a different life? What if he had known about the baby? Would that have changed anything? It might have, though it seems more likely that while he wouldn't have allowed her to take risks, he would still feel free to risk himself. She'd always found a way to follow him in the past. But this time, she has no idea where he is, or even where to start looking. And if she finds out, will she follow him? She has another life to protect now besides his and hers. And *if* Mulder never comes back, their baby will be all she has of him. She tries to imagine what it must have been like to pass through the force field, to go to the other side. Was he compelled in some way, or did he go by choice? She still has no real memory of what happened during her abduction. She only knows that she had no choice in the matter; there was no moment of decision for her. She is sure, however, that he went because he had to. Whether he was compelled by other forces, or due to his own drive to know, he is gone. And she knows just as certainly that he will find a way back. He has the strength of her beliefs. End. ==== II: Seeing and Believing Author: ML Email: msnsc21@aol.com Spoilers: Requiem, Sein und Zeit, Closure, One Breath Rating: PG Classification: V Keywords: Skinner POV Summary: Skinner's take on the events in Oregon and their aftermath. Seeing and Believing by ML What had he seen? He told Agent Scully he could not deny what he saw. And he wouldn't. But now, back in his office, the whole episode in the Oregon forest seems unreal. He's seen and experienced enough in his life and during his association with Agent Mulder to acknowledge that there are plenty of things in the world--and out of it--that are beyond his comprehension. He's said as much to Mulder, more than once. The first time was during Agent Scully's disappearance, while trying to persuade Mulder not to resign. Skinner had admitted then that he feared exploring the phenomena Mulder pursued, and while he still retains a good deal more skepticism than Mulder, he acknowledges that some events are beyond rational explanation. Mulder's disappearance ranks right up there with the most unbelievable of x-files. Skinner had spent the rest of that night in the forest, searching for any clue to Mulder's whereabouts. He'd contacted the Gunmen and they could find nothing, no evidence of any aircraft, unidentified or not, in the vicinity. Whatever it was had disappeared as thoroughly as Mulder. He hadn't wanted to face Scully. The Gunmen told him what had happened to her, where she was. Once he'd reported Mulder's disappearance to them, he hoped they'd be the ones to tell her. He suspects, however, that she already knew without being told. The connection between his two most challenging agents is unlike anything he's ever seen. He knows that he's only recently gained Scully's complete trust. And rightfully so; despite his intentions to the contrary, he's been used against both her and Mulder too many times. It meant a lot to him that Scully asked him to accompany Mulder back to Oregon. And now, once again, he's failed her. Scully's revelation in the hospital makes his failure even more complete. He's long known that his agents have deeper feelings for each other than partners generally do, but until recently he's been equally certain they'd never acted on those feelings. Then earlier this year, after an especially grueling case in California, something changed between them. The case had been particularly hard on Mulder. Complicated by his conviction that Samantha Mulder had some connection to the case, and devastated by a new personal loss during the investigation, Mulder had withdrawn further into himself. Scully seemed his only link to reality. She hovered over him in much the same way Mulder has always hovered over her, watchful of his comfort, his needs. In the end, Mulder found a hard-won peace. Skinner granted him an indefinite leave at the close of the case, and he stayed in California. Scully came back to Washington, submitted their field reports and all the other required reams of paperwork, and then requested a leave of her own. He hadn't questioned her at all; hadn't wanted to know where she was going. Both agents returned within a day of each other and everything seemed to be business as usual. Mulder still hovered at Scully's shoulder, still touched her at every opportunity, invaded her personal space as a matter of course. Scully still ignored his innuendoes and took all his other quirks in stride, as always. But there was an ease between them which hadn't existed before. It was nothing the casual observer would take notice of, but Skinner could tell. Mulder no longer seemed to be devouring Scully's every word and gesture; the expression of inchoate longing was gone from his eyes, along with the wounded look Skinner associated with Mulder's quest for his sister. Scully seemed much as usual, but Skinner has always found it harder to read her. While Mulder often wore his heart on his sleeve, Scully keeps hers well hidden most of the time. Her emotions in the hospital when she told him her news had almost made *him* bawl, and scared him at the same time. His first impulse then had been to offer sympathy and comfort. But he knows Scully well enough to know she needs something to put her back up against. She needs conflict, obstacles to overcome. She needs her edge. She will not thank him if he tries to ease her path. He left word for her to come see him as soon as she got in, her first day back. Now she sits in front of him, calmly waiting for him to speak first. He clears his throat. Why does she make him so nervous? Mulder doesn't make him nervous. Infuriates him, yes, but never nervous. Scully holds herself ramrod straight which has the effect of making her seem taller than she is. He only really notices how tiny she is when she stands next to Mulder. Or when she's in a hospital bed. He is brisk and businesslike with her, every inch the AD. He sees a fleeting doubt in her eyes. She seems to think he is denying what happened in Oregon. He is not, he will not, deny what he saw, just as he promised before. But she has to see that things are more complicated. His concern is how to move forward. He presents a couple of scenarios he's mulled over. Close the X-files until Mulder's return and send Scully back to Quantico is one. Or, transfer her to a field office position. He dangles the possibility of an ASAC assignment in front of her. The only bait she takes is when he mistakenly refers to Mulder's return as a possibility rather than a certainty. She's all over that, and though he's a little taken aback by her vehemence, he's secretly glad she believes so strongly in his return. His faith is not as strong as hers; but as long as she believes he will find a way to believe as well. Of course he will support her in any way he can, and his own preference is that she stay in DC and on the X-files where he can be close at hand. But he wants to be sure that this is what she wants, too. If she prefers to go to ground, keep a low profile, he'll support that, too. He now has an uneasy alliance with the Gunmen. The pact, unspoken but no less deeply understood, is that they keep Scully safe. She can't know this, of course. She might not kick *his* ass, but she will definitely kick the Gunmen's if she suspects. Mulder didn't even have to ask this of him. Skinner would do it anyway, no question, even if he hadn't made the promise to Mulder on the flight to Oregon. More than likely Mulder had extracted a similar promise from the Gunmen before leaving, also without necessity. The only necessity here is performing this task without Scully's knowledge. Scully's reaction to his alternative work suggestions is swift and sure. She will fight every inch of the way. He's glad of that, and he feels pleased that he has sparked this reaction from her. He was right to think that smoothing her way is not the best course of action. Skinner has always suspected that the main reason Scully and Mulder have avoided intimacy all these years has mainly to do with Scully and her reluctance to let her guard down. Anyone else would have either taken Mulder up on his innuendoes or slapped him with a harassment suit long ago. But from the first she tolerated Mulder's many quirks while never giving one inch to him. Mulder fought for her respect and trust just as much as she fought for his. They've weathered so many cataclysmic events over the years. Certainly rifts occurred on occasion, but they've always had each other's back. He saw what happened to Mulder when Scully disappeared; he'll be damned if he'll stand by and watch Scully go through the same torment alone. After Scully leaves his office, Skinner once again tackles his report. He can hear Chesty Short now, picking apart any possible justification Skinner can muster. , he thinks sourly. . He finishes his report, recounting events exactly as they happened, without equivocation. , he thinks grimly. . Report in hand, he heads to the Director's office. end. ==== III: Absentee Father Author: ML Email: msnsc21@aol.com Spoilers: Requiem, Redux II, Emily Rating: PG-13 for salty language! Classification: V Keywords: Bill Scully POV Summary: Bill Scully speaks his mind. That son of a bitch got my sister pregnant and then he ran off. Just what I would have expected from him. I know Dana wasn't going to tell me. I'm not sure Mom would have either, but she let something slip when she last talked to Tara. "Did you know Dana's pregnant?" Tara asked over dinner that night as she recounted her conversation with Mom. The mouthful of potatoes I was chewing suddenly tasted like sawdust. I choked them down and said as calmly as I could, "WHAT did you say?" Tara realized right away that this wasn't the best way to break the news to me. It's my worst nightmare. As much as Dana always tries to hide it, I know he has her fooled. She claimed they were only partners that Christmas two years ago--when Dana found that little girl. Maybe that was true, then. But he is obviously a very persuasive guy. I didn't want Dana working with him, let alone having any kind of a personal relationship with him. As the man of the family, I saw it as my duty to warn her. I warned him, too. I should have kicked his ass when I first met him. But Dana was sick; we thought she was dying. I didn't want to upset her any more than she already was. I just wanted him gone. But he's a persistent bastard. He stuck around. He made himself scarce whenever I came into Dana's room, which was just the way I liked it. But I could see Dana's eyes following him as he went out the door. He just hovered around in the hallway until I left. Obviously, he was still in the picture after Dana recovered. I'd hoped that her illness would make her take stock, maybe decide to get out of the FBI, be a real doctor, maybe meet a normal guy and have a normal family. Of course, I didn't know then that she couldn't have kids. He came out to San Diego that Christmas. Dana asked him to come out when she found that little girl. At least she warned me he was coming. And he did his best to keep his distance from me, even though he slept on our couch. I was civil--said as little as possible to him, in the interest of keeping the peace. And even though Dana admitted there was nothing between them--after telling me to mind my own business, that is-- anyone could tell by looking at him that *he* wouldn't be satisfied until he owned her, body and soul. The whole time he was there I had this awful feeling in my gut that he was going to ask her to marry him so they could adopt Emily. But Dana seemed to become more distant from him the sicker Emily got and I began to breathe easy. The irony of Matthew's birth happening at the same time wasn't lost on me. I've never been good at showing my emotions--who would want or expect that of a guy, anyway? But becoming a father gave me some idea of the pain Dana must have felt. Getting pregnant hadn't been easy for Tara, and if we had lost Matthew and knew we could never have another--well, I just don't know what I would have done. I felt terrible for Dana when Emily died. But at the same time her death seemed like a disaster averted. It drove a wedge between Mulder and my sister, and I couldn't be sorry about that. Dana was fairly calm throughout the whole business with Emily. She has always had the ability to withdraw deep within herself. I know to keep my distance when she's like that. Mulder didn't seem to notice or care, though. He was always hovering, right there at her shoulder. And she never told him to get lost, like she would her own brother. My sister is no dummy. I don't understand how she could be so taken in by this guy. Mom even likes him. She won't hear a word against him, though now I bet that's changed. My first impulse when Tara told me the news is to get Dana on the phone and demand to know the truth. Then ream her out for allowing it to happen. But I know she'll probably just tell me to go to hell, so I do what any big brother would do. I call Mom. Mom isn't very sympathetic to my point of view. "Bill, it's really none of your business." "But he should never--she should never have--" I splutter. I can't seem to say the words, "have sex" to my mom. I say lamely instead, "He knows the risks of his profession." "And so does Dana." Mom says simply. "Bill, what happened between Fox and Dana was a mutual decision between two adults. I won't deny I would rather they'd gotten married before taking that step, but it's their business." "But I thought Dana couldn't have kids!" "Maybe it's a miracle," my mother says softly. "Dana says she can't explain it herself. But she's happy about it." "Well, she's nuts," I say. "Why would she want to raise a kid on her own?" "I don't think that's her plan," Mom says. "Dana has faith that Fox is going to return." "But what if he doesn't come back?" I continue. "Dana will deal with that if it happens. But right now she's not even considering that possibility. She's absolutely certain he'll come back. She says she'd know if he wasn't." "God, she's buying into his mumbo-jumbo now!" I exclaim in frustration. "What'd he do, hypnotize her?" "It's called faith, Bill. You haven't forgotten, have you?" Mom can still put me in my place. But I don't stay there long. "I still say he's run off because he knows I'll kick his ass," I mumble. "Bill." Mom's voice has that tone. I remember that tone from childhood. It's the warning: proceed at your own risk. I pause in my tirade and wait for her to continue. "Fox doesn't know about the baby," she says. "Dana wasn't sure before he left and so she didn't say anything. And then of course, she *couldn't* tell him." I have no response to this. After a second, Mom continues. "Bill, you haven't been around enough to see what a good man Fox Mulder is. When Dana was missing a few years ago, and then when she came back, he never gave up, he never lost hope." "Yeah, and then he got Melissa killed," I say. I realize my mistake as soon as the words leave my mouth. "I don't blame Fox for Missy's death, and neither does Dana." My mom is getting exasperated with me. She doesn't often raise her voice, but I can hear it coming. "And if I were you, I wouldn't bring up any of this conversation with Dana when you talk to her. In fact, it would be better if you didn't talk to her at all until you can get control of yourself." Silence down the phone lines as we both calm ourselves. "What if he doesn't get back before the baby is born?" I finally ask. "What then?" "Dana will be able to handle t. I'll be here to help her, and I hope the rest of the family will, too," she says pointedly. "Do I have to remind you that your father was away at sea when you were born?" No, she doesn't. It's a family legend. "That's different," I say, and I sound whiny even to me. "How is it different? Fox has a job to do, same as your father did. Sometimes that means having to be away when he'd rather not be." "But Dad had no choice," I say. I don't like her comparing Mulder to my father, even indirectly. It's true that Dad was away a lot. But he was still a great dad when he was home. Of course I would've liked it better if he'd been able to come home every night, have a game of catch with me, go fishing on the weekends. Still, when he was home, he was *home.* And I have great memories of the times we had together as a family. When he had to go, Dad always left me in charge. It's a responsibility I take seriously even now. "What makes you think Fox has a choice?" Mom continues, breaking into my thoughts. "Look, I don't pretend to know everything about the work Fox and Dana do. But Dana says it's important, and not just to them. And even if I didn't trust Fox, I'd trust Dana's word." "Don't tell me that their `work' is a matter of national importance, or the future of the world," I still can't believe she's defending him. "Dana thinks it could be," Mom says quietly, and something in her tone chills me. "Little green men?" I'm so outraged my voice goes up an octave. "Dana says it's a lot more than that. And I believe her. Why else would so many things have happened to them both unless they're on to something important? Don't be so quick to dismiss something because you don't understand it." I change tactics a little. "Mom, don't you think I have a right as Dana's brother, as head of the family, to be concerned about this?" "That's a very old-fashioned thing to say, Bill. Are you considering a shotgun wedding?" I hear a tinge of amusement in Mom's voice, but I go on. "Mom, I'm just trying to do what I think Dad might have done." "Your father would never have treated Fox the way you have. He may not have liked the path Dana chose but he respected her right to follow it." Another statement I have no answer to. Finally, I mutter, "He's not good enough for her. He doesn't deserve her." "Dana says Fox has said the same thing to her," Mom says surprisingly. "Dana has tried to convince him otherwise." "Why do you like him so much?" I ask her. "Bill, I've been trying to explain it to you. He's a good man. He cares very much for Dana, and Dana feels the same way about him. I think your father would have liked him, too." There seems no point in arguing any more. Mom seems as hoodwinked as Dana by this guy, so I concede the point, but not the game. We talk for a few more minutes about nothing much and then I say goodbye. Sometimes I wish I was still at sea. It's much simpler out there. There are rules and routine, there is protocol. Life on dry land is a lot more complicated. But I requested shore duty when I found out Tara was pregnant. I was there throughout most of Tara's pregnancy, and I was there when Matthew was born. I don't want to be away for months at a time the way Dad was. I want my son to know who I am. I still think Mulder's a sorry son of a bitch for doing what he's done. But I'll keep my opinion to myself around Dana and Mom. Part of me almost wishes that he won't come back but I can't do that to Dana. Besides, a kid needs his dad, and even a dad like Mulder is better than nothing, I guess. And if he doesn't do right by Dana and the baby, I *will* kick his ass. I wish Dad was still here. Despite what Mom says, I think he would understand what I'm talking about. But I'll just have to do the best I can with this situation on my own. end. Thanks for reading! Dedication: to my own dad, whose name was Bill, and who served in the Navy, and there any resemblance to the Scully men ends. He was always there, and I will always miss him. ==== IV: Family Secrets Author: ML Email: msnsc21@aol.com Spoilers: Requiem, anything prior is fair game Rating: PG Classification: V,A Keywords: Margaret Scully POV Summary: No news is not necessarily good news. My two girls couldn't be more different. Dana has always been the practical one, while Melissa always had her head in the clouds. Because of this, you'd have thought that Dana would be the most forthright and outgoing, and Missy lost in her own world. That was the family view when they were growing up. I think her father and I saw what we wanted to see in Dana. The other three were such a handful that it was a blessing to have one child that I didn't have to worry about. Melissa appeared much simpler on the surface, but she had very strong convictions and wasn't afraid to stand up for them. Bill and Charlie were typical big brother and little brother, teasing their sisters and getting into normal boy scrapes. Bill probably grew up a little too soon, with his father away at sea so much. He had a tendency to try and bully the others sometimes, though none of his siblings let him get away with it for long. Charlie worshiped his older brother and would do anything he said. Melissa was openly defiant, and she either didn't see or didn't care that Dana actually got her way more often. For Melissa, I think, the battle was half the fun. Dana learned to fly under the radar early on. She seemed quiet, and studious, and docile, no trouble at all. That's not to say that Dana isn't a fighter. She just goes about her battles differently. She makes her plans and follows through with them, often announcing only after the fact what she's done. That was how she joined the FBI. Neither her father nor I had an inkling. I think she found it easier to ask forgiveness than permission. I really had no idea until recently just how secretive Dana could be. "Still waters," her father would have said. But a mother should know her children. Now I really wonder if I ever really knew my baby girl at all. Her admission to the FBI opened a floodgate. She left the comparative safety of teaching at the Academy to become a field agent, which especially upset her father. And that's when the real secrets began. She's never said very much about her work with Fox Mulder. At first, she said some general things about his "out there" theories, but never talked about him or his family, what he looked like, anything at all. When I finally met him, it was under the worst circumstances. Dana's disappearance showed me the kind of man he was, and how concerned he was for the welfare of his partner. He certainly didn't seem as "out there" as Melissa sometimes did to me. It was a surprise to me that he was her witness for her medical directive, but I later learned that in law enforcement, partners are often closer than family. I could certainly see how much Fox cared for Dana. Even after Dana came back, I couldn't tell how she felt about him. I knew more about how Fox was affected by her disappearance than I did about her. The next time I was called to the hospital, it was for Melissa. Somehow she'd gotten involved in one of Dana's cases -- I've never been sure how. I had to sit and watch Melissa leave me, not knowing if Dana was alive or dead, or if I'd ever see her again. When she did come back, she would not or could not talk about it. With Melissa's death, I felt a barrier between me and Dana begin to rise. The next blow was Dana's cancer. She couldn't even tell me about it herself -- she gave her partner that dubious honor. After that, I tried to bring her closer, to let her know that the family cared about her, but perhaps by then it was too late. Only when it appeared that she truly might not recover did she briefly become my little girl again. Even so, the only times she's turned to me since being partnered with Fox is when he hasn't been available. Once, she came to me when she thought for some incredible reason that Fox was tring to kill her; other times he when he was missing or presumed dead. I confess Dana and I had become a little estranged after her father died. I could say that Dana shut herself off from me, but I wonder now if she ever really confided in me. She was there when I needed her, but I tried not to need her too much. Maybe she does take after me a little. With my other daughter gone and my sons scattered to the four winds most of the time, I've stayed close, thinking that Dana might still need me. But she seems to have become an island or a fortress, self-sufficient and unwelcoming to visitors. Then this evening when I got home, there was a message waiting for me. I knew before I heard the words: Fox is missing again. There's more than that, I know, but she won't tell me until she has to. I pray that Fox comes back, as he always has in the past. I pray that Dana's other news isn't as dire as it sounds in her voice. She's still my baby girl, no matter what happens. I don't resent Fox for anything that's happened, even though some of my family does. Nor do I pretend to understand the bond she and Fox share. I've read a lot about partners in law enforcement over the years, and I know that the bond can be stronger than a marriage, and have many of the same aspects of a marriage. I do believe that the bond they share is more than work. I've been pretty certain of Fox's feelings for a while. Dana's feelings I'm less sure of. I know that no one can make Dana do anything she doesn't want to do, and that she weighs all the options before she makes a decision. What she does seldom makes sense to me, but since I'm not a part of the decision making process I have to try and reconcile myself when they're presented as an accomplished fact. It's part of letting your children grow and be on their own, as painful as that can be. William and I brought our children up to be strong and self-sufficient. It would be foolish of me to expect that Dana would be anything other than that. I'm proud of her, I really am. But I wish she understood that she doesn't have to be alone in this. end. ==== V: The Will to Fight Author: ML Email: msnsc21@aol.com Spoilers: Requiem, anything prior is fair game Rating: PG Classification: V,A Summary: Mulder is lost in space Light and darkness. Light and darkness. The periods of light and darkness have no pattern, no formula he can discern. Sometimes the light brings pain. Sometimes the darkness brings pain. The only difference is the kind of pain each brings. Time is defined by pain/no pain, not light and dark. He doesn't know who he is or where he is. He only knows . There is no . is a word which sometimes floats in his consciousness but he's not sure why. He is grateful for oblivion when it comes. , his mind supplies. But it is not like sleep. He tries to remember. Even the word seems unfamiliar. It used to have meaning. But he is in . He fights for awareness even though he isn't sure what is. He sometimes has a vague sense of near him, but deep within him he knows that there is only one other who has meaning to him, and that is not present. He fights to understand who he is, and who or what is, the one who is not there. He feels this absence to be good, that is better elsewhere, as uncertain as he is that there is any reality other than where he now exists. If the was near, maybe he could fight. He knows he should fight. But against what? There is nothing to push against with either body or mind. As soon as the fight impulse materializes, either pain or oblivion follows. But sometimes flutters through his consciousness. So, regardless of punishment, he obeys the impulse to resist whenever he can. He does not dream when oblivion comes but sometimes he has waking dreams. He has flashes of . The sometimes has a form in his mind he can comprehend. Words also form in his mind and because of the image he holds there too, these words are among the few which still have meaning. Loyal. Forthright. Touchstone. *His* touchstone. He can imagine a face now. He knows it is the , and that he should know her, know who she is. If he can figure that out, he will know who *he* is. x-x-x-x Next consciousness, beginning and continuing in pain--all through his muscles, every inch of skin, his teeth and nails. Now one tiny corner of his brain retains her image. With fierce determination, he wills himself to see and feel only her. The memory he found before returns to him and he begins to color it in, give it more detail. He can almost hear her, feel the emotions, feel her touch. Almost, the sensations blot out the pain. Now no matter what is done to him, he can find that tiny corner. It is populated with images of her. He hoards the pieces he has of her; protects them in the recesses of his brain. get into his head sometimes, he thinks. He isn't sure he can keep them out of his safe haven. He only goes there when the pain becomes unbearable, when it seems it will never stop. He senses--he hopes--that stay out of his head while they test his body. Awareness of any comes and goes. He senses them, sometimes hears their voices in his head, but cannot see or touch anyone. He wonders if the can sense his presence too, hear his thoughts. His ability now is only an echo of something he remembers from , when it seemed he could hear everyone in the world, all the time. There is one voice he wishes he could hear, and not just in his head. He knows now that he had another life, and it revolved around her, as surely as the earth revolves around the sun. x-x-x-x He begins to remember more. The periods of oblivion seem to lessen; there are longer periods of no pain when he is conscious. He is not sure if this is cause or effect, and it is still not as he once knew it; he still cannot see or feel his surroundings. So he lives in his head as much as possible. He has a life with her there. Whether these are all memories of a life already lived or some are dreams of a life yet to be he cannot tell. They are no more than brief pictures. He does not allow himself to dwell on any one moment, or allow such moments to enlarge. <***the sound of her voice saying his name, in so many different tones, so many different ways***> He hears her voice say "Mulder it's me." His name. Suddenly a storm of remembrance hits him from all sides, memories so clear that they feel solid, *he* feels solid, for the first time in...no telling how long. His surroundings begin to take on form and shape. He feels his skin as more than a receptacle for pain. He knows *she* is real, too. He feels the talisman she gave him that last night. The life he had with her is still beyond his reach but at last he has found something to fight. Not against, but for. He will find his way back to her. He has to. end. ==== feedback, if you are so inclined: msnsc21@aol.com Thanks for reading!